Hubby's Last Words

I shouldn't be here right now.  Baby is napping, sick hubby is also sleeping, clean laundry beckons to be folded, dishes are getting crustier.  Shit, I haven't even wiped the kitchen table free of this mornings cheerios-and-milk droppings.  But I just gotta ask something.

What is it about men and getting sick?  When I feel myself getting sick (a flu, a terrible cold, a sore throat, whatever the run-of-the-mill case may be) I recognize it and might say to my husband "I feel pretty crappy.  I hope I'm not getting sick."  After all, I'm not dying.  But last night my husband (my dear, sweet, hard-working, fabulous dad to our children and best friend of mine) says to me, in a most ominous tone: "Something's not right."  As if he might have some sort of a brain tumor or something equally terribly frightening.  I'm not saying he doesn't feel well. I'm not trying to discredit his feelings, be it nauseau, headache, or whatever.  But seriously? I wish I'd video recorded his forebodding "Something's not right" as if the world were coming to an end, so that I could post it here...for all other heterosexual women to see as witness to the fact that, No, their husbands/male significant others are not the only ones.

And cue little Miss L's cries.  Gee, a 30 minute nap *sigh*. Gonna be a long day for this mama.

It's Gotta Be The Scale

I am slow. No, no. I don't mean mentally slow. Ok, well I may be a little slow up in the attic (proven by how many? of my previous posts), but that is certainly the fault of my offspring and the intellectual capacity of mine that they have sucked right outta me.  But I'm not talking about that kind of slow.  I'm talking about a physiological sluggishness.  Seriously.

Case in point: Well, I was getting out of the shower tonight (*exciting side note: that was the second shower today! That's right two showers in the same day! I don't remember when that last happened! Of course even memories of things as recent as this last week are fuzzy, and I'd say that it could have been a couple of days ago but those of you who keep up with me on Facebook know all about my FB confessions and that I don't always get a shower every day...) Where the hell was I?  Ok, drying off from my second.--yeah, baby, that's right, victorious!--shower of the day, I realized that my back was peeling.  What am I? Some sort of skin-peeling lizardy-reptilian creature? Then I recalled my sunburn...when the heck was that (gotta go check...).  Ok, on the 3rd of April...so that's over two weeks ago, and I'm just now peeling?  See? Physiologically Slow. Fact.  As proven by the shedding. 

And this brings me to an update on my whole I Don't "Go" On Diets I Eat Healthy Hey! I Think I'll Try The Slim Fast Plan saga.  So as I said in my last post I lost two pounds over Easter, in spite of my manic indulgence in choc--...Now wait. I'm not gonna totally rehash the events of said week, as they have since brought me much anguish and dissappointment.  You may be wondering why a two pound weight loss would cause "anguish" and "dissappointment"? Well, fine, I'll tell you why...because the following week...the week when I actually steered clear of those sinful, seemingly-innocent, peanut-buttery, pseudo-egg shaped, chocolate-covered, cellulite-loving, Reese's bastards...I gained two pounds.  Yeah, more than a week after my sloven indulgence I gained two pounds. Not when I weighed myself a few days after the train-wreck occurred...but rather a whole week after the I Live For Chocolate Week weigh in.  Really? I mean, who does that?? Whose body takes ten days to register a weight gain?  See? Physiologically, I'm pokey.  As proven by the shedding and now the delayed weight gain.

On the bright side (can you see my eyes rolling?), those two weeks cancelled each other out.  And then this last week?

Nada. Zip. Zilch. 

And I thought I did pretty well, steering clear of high-fat, high-calorie foods, doin' the Slim Fast meal replacements twice a day and eating healthy snacks and a meal.   And as anyone who has ever tried to knows, losing weight seems to take much longer than gaining weight. But the scale read the same this week as it did last week. I guess maybe I'll see this current weeks weight loss sometime, you know, later this year, or maybe in 2011.  Truthfully, I'm fairly certain that it's my scale that's slow...not me. And so yeah, I'll blame my peeling skin on that damn scale too. And the sunburn in the first place.  How's that?

Slim Fast-er Please

So not counting my teenage years, when brain function dictates that at least 51% of actions and decisions shall be stupid, I have mostly stuck with the philosophy that "diets" don't work. I believe that the best way to lose weight healthfully is to alter one's eating habits: to make better, smarter, food choices. I don't believe that "going on a diet" makes any sense, seeing as how a person's diet refers to what they eat...not a weightloss plan.  And the only way to lose weight sensibly and keep it off is to change the diet, not "go on" a diet.  That just doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me.

And so, here I am, 3 weeks into The Slim Fast Meal Replacement plan.  No, I apparently haven't progressed much in brain power since my 15th birthday...so does that mean I'm aging well?!! Ok, sidetracked yet again by a topic for another post.  Focus, middle-aged mama, focus! So, yeah, I'm doin' the Slim Fast thing and it's going well: down 3 pounds in both of the first two weeks and 2 pounds lost in the 3rd week.  I'd say that's fabulously good seeing as how the middle of my Week 3 was riddled with Reese's peanut butter eggs and chocolate damn rabbits.

Have I ever mentioned that I love chocolate? I mean LOVE chocolate. Ok, no, not divorce-my-husband-and-marry-a-solid-chocolate-person kind of love.  But the most self destructive kind: the no-self-control love.  The kind where I don't buy chocolate to just "have around" and enjoy every once in a while because if it's in my house I will eat it.  I cannot wrap my brain around the notion that my husband can buy a single chocolate bar, put it in the freezer and leave it there for months. For Months.  Did you hear me??? I said FOR MONTHS.  I never even knew that was humanly possible, to have chocolate, paid for and in your domicile, and not eat it, and yet he does it. Or he used to. He has since learned that any chocolate put away for winter --or whatever the hell he's waiting for when he buys it and stashes it away like a damn chipmunk in the first place-- is just not safe in my house.  And so this is why I, generally speaking, do not buy chocolate except on special occasions for my special little people. Even then, I'm likely to try and snatch a little piece from the innocent youth in the family.  You know, only when they've gotten an absurd amount...and only when they're not looking.  Shut up! This is not confession and you are not even Catholic.  Sorry.  Those tiny voices again. 

So, yeah, 8 pounds down in spite of Easter? Heck yeah, I was pretty pleased.  So I did what any healthy, sensible, estrogen-filled being who loves chocolate would do in my position: on my next trip to the grocery store I purchased a package of 1/2 a dozen Reese's peanut butter eggs.  Afterall, they were on clearance. Practically impossible to not buy them.  And I am proud to say that I put them in the freezer when I got home. Or, at least, the four that were left.  And I noticed today  (a good 48 hours later, I might add *said quite proudly, bordering on arrogance*) a certain empty yellow and orange wrapper that my husband left on the counter.  Guess he found 'em in the freezer and figured he'd better grab one while he could.  No more storin' chocolate for that chipmunk.

So this Slim Fast thing is working out pretty well.  But I am mixing it up a little bit. Last week, while at Target one day in early afternoon I realized that I hadn't had my lunchtime Slim Fast shake, and I was hungry.  So that afternoon I went with the Snickers Meal Replacement.  You know... just keepin' it fresh.

Evidence of Idiocy

I spent an hour or so weeding the front yard today.  Right around noon.  Because, you know, that's the best time of day to be outside.  Especially in the South.

And just in case you weren't sure...

this is what stupid looks like: